Yes Randy Married life can be absolutely wonderful. I am living proof of that. I've been married for 14 yrs and together with Tammy since we were 16. That was over 18 yrs ago.
If I would rate our relationship over the years from a scale of 1-10 it would go like this
7..6..5..4..4..4..3..5..7..9..10
When we first met it was typical young love. You only discuss what you are happy about. You only share the good stuff and you have a lot of fun together.
As time goes on, you drift apart. You have more issues with each other's flaws and you stop caring as much for each other. That is when a lot of people give up. When I was at a 3 I asked myself: "Why am I feeling this way about our relationship. What am I missing. I knew it wasn't Tammy's fault" I asked myself some long and hard questions as to where I was putting most of my effort on and it became obvious. My relationship had taken a back seat. That's when I decide to make the changes. I enrolled in multiple online free newsletters on improving your relationship. I bought a few books and DVD's and absorbed lots and lots of stuff on what makes a relationship work. I also helped a few clients in their relationships which helped me see something new to me on how to live together with different ideas and dreams but still support and love each other. And guess what...I focused on making my relationship better and look at what happened. I would rate it a 10 today. It's the best it's ever been. I think I might have to change that scale and add an 11 in there pretty soon.
Here is my formula for a successful relationship.
Rule #1
At the very base, you can not have either of the partner to be a drain on the relationship. What I mean by that is that if one of the two is dependent on the other for their own happiness, it will eventually drain the other and conflicts will grow to the breaking point. This includes verbal or physical abuse. But it also includes very simple stuff like needing to be told that you are loved. Needing to be told that you are a good person. If you can't figure out for yourself that you are a good person, you will, over a period of time drain the energy from your partner.
Very often people with a low self esteem will attack their partner with verbal abuse in order to keep themselves feel better. These actions are usually more descriptive of what the person feels inside rather than what they feel about their partner. Someone that feels good about themselves, will always lend a hand to help someone up. Someone with a high self esteem will never kick someone when they are down. This is done at a subconscious level without even realizing it. It's a sure sign that something within yourself needs to change and you are on a road to self destruction.
Rule #2
For a relationship to flourish, you need two individuals that are serious about feeling good about themselves but not in a greedy way at the expense of others. I'm not talking about feeling good because you get what you want. I'm talking about felling good about who you are. If there is something that you don't like about yourself, you MUST make the effort to change it in order for a relationship to survive. It's the only way. You don't have to be perfect. As long as you are working on your own issues and making progress, the relationship can take all the hits and it will survive. The relationship is doomed the day one of the partners give up on themselves as not capable of becoming a better person than what they are today. Everyone can change no matter where you are today. You are only limited by your own self inflicted limiting beliefs.
If you think that it's the other partner's responsibility to make you feel good and happy. You will be disappointed...ALWAYS!
Rule #3
You have to have your own individual dreams.
In order to be happy with yourself, you need to have a dream. This dream can be simple or grandiose. It doesn't matter. But you need to have a purpose as to why you get up in the morning.
One dream can be to raise wonderful children while the other's may be a great career. They don't have to match perfectly, as long as rule #4 and rule #5 are followed.
Rule #4
Your dream must respect your partner's beliefs.
Here is an obvious example of this. Let's say that one of the partners dreams to be an exotic dancer in a night club and the partner does not agree with that life style. That can be a deal breaker. It goes against some core beliefs. Either the beliefs have to change or the dream must be given up for something else.
Rule #5
As long as rule #4 is followed, You MUST support your partner in their dream without ever degrading their dream. You may not understand why your partner is so into what they do. To you, their dream may seem stupid or materialistic. But at the core of every dream, there is a deeper reason for it. Take Jeeping for example. It's not about the Jeep. It's about the people you meet on the trail. It's about challenges that we face against nature and how we stick together and come out on top. It's about a real connection with nature. That's what it is for me anyway.
Religion can be big one here. Let say that one of the partners is very religious and the other makes fun of religion and disrespects the idea. Major deal breaker.
You don't have to start going to church yourself, but you can respect your partner's decision to have religion as a big part of their lives and support them in following their dreams. That means that if Sunday morning is their day to go to church, then you do your best to support them by giving them that time if possible. This is where compromise comes in.
Rule #6
This one rule if followed by both partners will create the most wonderful relationship you could ever imagine. It supersedes all other rules and if you follow only this one rule, your relationship will still come out on top.
Always give everything without ever expecting anything in return. For this to work, of course both partners have to play the game. No one can give unconditionally forever without a reciprocal action from the other partner. But by giving unconditionally, it means you don't keep score. You give every change you get.
Also, it's important to remember that for someone to give, the other must receive. There is a way to receive. You can just accept the gift and move on or you can show appreciation for the gift.
Your husband is doing the dishes. He's doing this without expecting anything in return. Nothing stops you from giving him a hug and thanking him. Your wife just swept the floor after you walked over the kitchen with your dirty boots. Why not do the same? A nice hug and sincere thank you.
Rule #7
Listen-Listen-Listen
I can not emphasize this one enough. How often are we thinking about what we will say next as the other person is talking. We are hearing the words but dismissing all the rest of the non-verbal communication. The body language, the feelings and emotions behind the words. Listening is one of the most neglected skill of human kind.
I'm going to go all out here and add my little marketing plug. Most of you already know that I'm a success coach but you may not realize that couples are my main focus and ideal clients. The majority of my clients right now are either couples or one of the partners working on themselves to improve their relationship. Of course it makes a huge difference when both partners are involved in the coaching as opposed to just one. But it's still pretty amazing what can happen even when only one of the two decides to make the changes for themselves.
The most amazing success story is from a couple that came to me and their relationship was never even an issue that they brought up. The man hired me to advance in his career and a few weeks later, his wife hired me to deal with a negative attitude she had about everything around her, especially certain people in her life. They both told me that they truly loved each other and there was no signs of disrespect or signs of a railing relationship. She wasn't happy with herself and needed help to figure out how to get out of this negative mentality. After only 4-5 sessions with them as separate individuals. We never even mentioned the relationship during the sessions. What happened is that both of them got a real sense of self confidence and purpose in their life and they both started to give to each other unconditionally. I wasn't even aware of what was going on until one day, as we begin our session, the man says to me: "I don't know what you did to my wife but our relationship over the last 2 weeks went from a 1 to a 10!"
It is possible to turn things around. It doesn't matter what you've been through. The past can always be left behind. All you need is the will to look at the future with a positive attitude and be willing to give 100% of yourself to the relationship. Giving 100% of yourself to the relationship does not mean that you will be giving up on your dreams. On the contrary, you will realize more of your dreams than you ever imagined when you are in a healthy supportive relationship.
If anyone wants to hear more of how coaching works you can get in touch with me. I also offer a free intro session so that you can see for yourself what it's all about.
If you think coaching is expensive, just think how much a separation costs!
Eric